September 2nd: Stalking the School Bus
“Oh my God! Stop it!”
I leaned over and yanked his pants up, covering his naked little butt. The need to reprimand warred with the need to laugh, and I bit my tongue. Hard. Spencer, my youngest and overly dramatic child was standing with me on the front porch. We were supposed to be waving goodbye to his older brother, standing as witnesses to his growing up and going to middle school.
It all went terribly wrong.
The day had started as all first days of school start: chaotic, frantic, and nerve-wracking. Michael, anxious about the new school and suddenly being the lowest on the totem pole, had been full of angst. “Do I look alright? I feel like a geek.”
I understood. We’d carefully shopped for the correct clothing and shoes, and bought a cool new book bag along with all the middle school essentials. Still, he was apprehensive. I stopped packing his lunch and paid attention. I took in his appearance, flattened his stubborn cowlick and assured him, “You look great! No worries, I promise.” I gave him a squeeze and went back to shoving the oversized sandwich into a zip-lock bag.” Bear, the dog, and Fat Cat Chance twined between my legs hoping something would drop to the old wooden floor.
I nudged them both aside, and asked the required questions: “Did you get all your supplies? Do you have milk money?”
After he muttered his responses, I grabbed the camera to mark the occasion. “Stand over there by the fireplace so I can take your picture.” I smiled as a good example.
“Moomm, this is stupid.” He groaned even while moving toward the tiny kitchen hearth.
“No, it’s not. You’ll be glad to have these pictures someday.”
Why Moms say such things eludes me. It ranks right up there with “There are starving children in Africa.” Something happens during child birth creating the need to spew these ridiculous statements. We can’t help ourselves. “No, I won’t.” I heard Michael mutter. I clicked away, acting like I didn’t notice and effectively captured what was surely the first of hundreds of eye rolls aimed in my direction.
“Smile!” I yelled once more, hoping for a better snapshot. Spencer, my youngest, stood behind me making faces at his brother.
The foray into the middle school universe was a huge step toward becoming a young man and Michael was adamant about not being walked to the end of the driveway. “I’m not a baby.”
I nodded and tried not to cry. Spencer and I had stationed ourselves on the old porch instead. It was the best compromise I could give. Bear and Fat Cat Chance nosed their way out the crooked screen door, curious as to why we were on the porch. They sat flanking us hoping something fascinating would take place.
Michael stood at the end of the driveway trying to look grown up and aloof. It came across painfully. My tears threatened as the bus shuddered to a stop and the doors swung open.
I waved and smiled. I admit to being momentarily confused by all the other kids pointing out the bus window and laughing. Spencer had opted to send Michael off in style. The little cretin had dropped his pants and was mooning the school bus, shaking his booty and giggling.
“Oh My God!”
These Animals Are Killing Me Description:
Readers are invited to follow a typical, pulled-in-a-hundred-different-directions family through a year of hysterical and true-life interruptions. Their beloved pets create more havoc and chaos than deserved; a daring rescue across an icy pond, harrowing trips to the veterinarian in which the protagonist arrives in worse shape than the animals, a ruined floor, and dead mice offerings.
Added to the melee are encounters with pesky wildlife; a pig which helps hang Christmas lights, a brave mouse which takes up residence under the cat’s bowl, and a skunk who rudely interrupts a romantic interlude (to name a few). When main character, Katrina, has finally had enough, she stands with hands on hips and shouts, “These animals are killing me!” Readers will understand completely.
The author recounts one ridiculous true-life life disruption after another. The interconnected stories are presented as calendar dates as though the reader has stumbled upon a journal giving readers a voyeuristic view of someone else’s chaotic world. They may, however, congratulate themselves on handling similar situations with far more grace.
The fast paced incidents will be most recognizable to adults who juggle and multi-task on a daily basis. The universal draw of animals adds a unique dimension. There are triumphs, surprises, failures and disappointments all told with twisted humor. At the end of each episode small windows of clarity occur, in which the world rights itself momentarily and we remember what is important, what is right, what is good.
These Animals are Killing Me has two common threads woven throughout:
First, beloved pets, pesky wildlife and even curious animals of the ‘two legged’ variety, add color and dimension to our lives. Secondly, there is no such thing as a mundane life when we open ourselves to laughter.
