DAY ONE: Monday 16th January 2012
I’m sat in my car in a leafy lane near Knutsford town centre. I have carefully assembled a digital camera and have got a white chopping board laid out on the passenger seat, with the box underneath to prop it up level to the seat’s curvature. There’s a load of white van men working on a big house across the road and a postman has just walked past, whistling. Because all postmen whistle.
I lay the pie out on the chopping board and I produce a large shiny carving knife out of my Asda bag, lift the pie out of it’s foil tray and proceed to sever it in half with one almighty, glee-filled blow. Just as a pair of ageing pedestrians walk past with their dog. “Police are trying to trace a man seen acting suspiciously in a silver car in the area around the time of the crime”. Those are the words ringing through my head right now. I’m not right in the head am I, let’s face it? This is ODD behaviour; or at the very least OCD behaviour.
It makes perfect sense to me though: this is the first stage in a quest I have believed in for quite some time now. It is the duty of a Wigan man to sample as many pies as is humanly possible from around the world. I want to find the best there is. It may be in my home town of Wigan, or further afield. I need a plan, a map, an understanding wife and some healthy working organs. Can I travel the UK, albeit ever so slightly skewed towards the North to find and review the best pies and try and find the ultimate pie?
It’s time to find out…My first review is in Knutsford near work. It’s posh. The local MP is George Osborne. This might well be where he comes when he wants to rough it and stick a meat pie down his grid. I doubt it though. It’s nearly 1pm when I wander in to break up the chit chat as two ladies turn and stand to attention. THE TOP CRUST. PART ONE: THE FIRST 100
“I’ll have a meat and potato pie please” You’ll be hearing me say that an awful lot. It’s my staple diet for 700 days, although I’m prepared to mix it up a bit in the interests of research. I mean they do a CHIP SHOP CURRY PASTY in here for God’s sake, who wouldn’t want one of those? There are a range of pasties from chicken tikka and cheese and onion but it’s the pie I’m after which comes in a Sayers wrapper. Confused?
Hampsons are part of the Sayers group and they also own the Pound Bakery (more on them later). They have sensibly opted to retain their prestige brand name for the residents of the Tatton constituency mind you.
1.
PURVEYOR: Hampsons Bakers
PREMISES: Bolton
PURCHASE: Meat and Potato pie £1.05
PLACE: 7 I get a smile which is a start! Attentive and seemed genuinely pleased to see me. They offered me a fork which blotted their copy book a bit mind you
PASTRY: 7 The pie possesses perfect portability and holds together throughout. The crust edge is a tad thick which often sets the heartburn alarm bells ringing but the whole pie is eaten by hand and there is zero, I repeat zero spillage
PRESENTATION: 7 It’s scorching hot like a hand grenade but once the foil tray has been dispensed with, it’s almost the perfect room temperature to chomp into
PACKAGE: 8 A deep mix of meat and potato chunks full to the brim with hardly any airspace
PALATE: 7 This lot churn out the pies by the van load so it’s a quality, solid performer if a little generic
PRICE: 8 Slightly above average sized pie for a slight below average price
PORTION: 7 A standard size
OVERALL: If I had the best pie in the whole wide world first, it would be a very short book. The Hampsons pie is a good, solid performer but not spectacular. It sets a benchmark that some will exceed but many will fall short of and gets a respectable 51 out of 70
Life of Pies Description:
Life of Pies: A light hearted travelogue – one man’s search for the perfect pie. People often do strange things upon approaching middle age. They try to solve unanswered questions or come over all obsessive about the most innocuous of activities. Some decide to run a marathon or climb Mount Kilimanjaro or learn to play the guitar. Me? I just wanted to find the perfect pie. We all love pies but who is going to be brave enough to take THAT challenge on. Perhaps the only way to find out is to get some lunatic to spend the best part of two years travelling the country to find out. From Inverurie to St Ives. Cornish Pasties to Steak and Gravy. I am that lunatic and this is my story. There have been books on pies written before but they’ve always been written by experts.
The difference with this one is that it’s written by a COMPLETE IDIOT. Part culinary review, part travelogue Life of Pies is written with humour, attention to detail and often downright desperation, the story documents exactly what happens when someone takes their hobby just a little bit too seriously. With 400 pies sampled and exactly 314 reviewed, it also serves as a useful reference point as to where to find the best pastry products throughout the heartlands of the UK and gives a whistle stop tour of Britain’s finest pie purveyors. Warning: Life of Pies should not be read on an empty stomach.
