20 PRACTICAL USES FOR DONALD TRUMP’S HAIR
1. Wildlife preserve for thousands of dislocated pine beetles and sand crabs.
2. Aesthetically unattractive yet functional paperweight.
3. Mother of all chia pets.
4. Stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens.
5. Role model for laboratory rats who want to move up the corporate ladder.
6. Makeshift, thatch-based dwelling for indigenous tribes in Uruguay.
7. Surrogate sex partner for ferrets.
8. Coolant for super-powerful, all-knowing Trump brain to prevent possible explosion/meltdown.
9. As part of D.A.R.E. program for Brillo pads, serves as horrible warning to teen Brillo pads of dangers of crystal meth.
10. Surrogate sex partner for shag carpets.
11. Delicious kelp and seaweed holiday salad.
12. Setting for prize-winning performance art piece at Museum of Modern Art. (Not to discount the contributions of atonal bagpipers and muu-muu-clad interpretive dancers.)
13. Surrogate sex partner for deviant alpacas.
14. Tiny scale model of Amazonian rain forest, illustrating catastrophic results of the greenhouse effect.
15. Tiny scale model of Siberian tundra, illustrating catastrophic results of scorched earth policy in Napoleonic invasion of Russia.
16. Tiny scale model of Dennis Rodman's face, illustrating catastrophic results of Dennis Rodman's face.
17. Catalyst for fermentation of hops, produces highest quality lagers and ales available anywhere in North America.
18. Visual aid in barber college graduate-level course in applied chaos theory.
19. Fodder for lame-ass comedy list.
20. Surrogate sex partner for Ivana Trump.
What?? You Mean “Chemical Analysis of NJ Wastewater” ISN’T a Good Title for a Comedy Book?? Description:
A collection of 17 outrageous, irreverent comedy articles from former Denver Post contributor/current www.pointsincase.com staffer Larry Ryals.
Includes such dumpster fodder as Hitler Takes a Facebook Quiz, 17 Signs Walmart Is Declaring Martial Law [#9. Deli features sliced human flesh of “those who dare disobey us” for $4.49/lb.], and Worst Rapper Names, including 54 Cent [Sales tax, fool], Ice [Insert any random word from Merriam-Webster dictionary], and Ice Sinus Drainage [See what I mean?].
Guaranteed to make you want to gouge your eyes out with a melon baller to avoid the horrific fate of further reading or your money cheerfully refunded in the form of Botswanese subway tokens.
Just listen to this critical acclaim! The Cesspool Park, N.J., Statesman-Diplomat Guardian-Herald Douche Bag-Shower Curtain raves, “Almost as amusing as having 100 million venomous Peruvian fire ants tunnel through your sinuses and eat your brain while simultaneously being forced to watch Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
NOT to suggest I would, in any way, consider anything unethical, but if you don’t buy my book, let’s just say I can’t rule out that one metric ton of Nickelback CDs COULD somehow find their way onto kiosks in your nearest shopping mall.
Nuff said?
