In the silence, I wonder what life would have been if my husband lived. I wonder how many more smile lines I would have from laughing…I wish for him and never let anyone know how much I, at times, pray to die just to see him, touch him, and hear his voice.
Some days seem so slow the hours pass like centuries and I know I have so much to do, yet I feel stuck in the waiting, the waiting of what my life is and will be without him…the waiting for and wishing for him even though I know he will never come…
I wonder, should I look for another? I want to take a ballroom dancing class…but I have no partner…
I fell in love with my husband for so many reasons: his beautiful nature and spirit, his outer beauty, his unwavering love for me, yet…I wonder if part of why I fell in love was because he possessed the ability to be free of thought…he was able to flow with a day and not think. I was always amazed at this feat. I rarely if ever can do this, maybe more now than when he was alive…
I wonder about those always alone…aloneness is something, something I am drawn to since my husband died…the ability not to know what it is like to lose so much? Always alone never having a ‘love of one’s life.’ I marvel at what it may feel like not to know the pain I am in…not to be so wholly heartbroken my lungs cannot fill with air.
Then I think…
I had so much and have so much of my husband with me still. I have so much in my loneliness that others do not
I am anguished alone…and would rather be anguished alone than not.
